From: "IamPerfect.net Mailing List"
Subject: IamPerfect.net Humor

How to bathe the cat
His and hers drive-thru machines
How a Woman takes a shower vs. how a Man does....

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How to bathe the cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need
to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your
body too close tothe edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can
find. The cat will self-agitateand make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come
from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse"
which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people
between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry
himself.

Sincerely,
THE DOG
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-HIS AND HERS ATM DRIVE-THRU MACHINES

HIS:

1.  Pull up to ATM
2.  Insert card
3.  Enter PIN and account
4.  Take cash, card and receipt
5.  Drive away

HERS:

1.  Pull up to ATM
2.  Back up and pull forward to get closer
3.  Shut off engine
4.  Put keys in purse
5.  Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6.  Hunt for card in purse
7.  Insert card
8.  Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9.  Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Reenter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

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-How a Woman takes a shower vs. how a Man does....


How to take a shower like a woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.  If you see your boyfriend/husband along the 
way, cover up any exposed flesh and  rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain 
and whine even more about how you're  getting fat.
4. Get in the shower.  Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth,  long loofah, wide loofah and 
pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil.  Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten  minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as
you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but  decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the  toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower.  Dry with towel the size of a small  African country.  
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.  Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on  head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up  any
exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half  getting
dressed.

     
How To Shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash 
her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see
if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the  mirror,
scratch your balls and smell your fingers
for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the  mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water  on the
floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the  whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire  wiener size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you  pass
your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah
baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed.  Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

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