Dear Mom and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad:
 
It has been four months since I left for college.  I have been remiss in
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to
date now, but before you read on, please sit down.  Don't read any further
unless you are sitting down ... OK?
 
Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when
it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I
only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and
only get three headaches a day.
 
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by
an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire
Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and
since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him.  It's really a
basement room, but it is kind of cute.  He is a very fine boy and we have
fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.  We haven't set the
exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the
same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
 The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some
minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests,
and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my
daily penicillin injections.
 
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind,
and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a
different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of
teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat
darker than we are.  I am sure you will love him as I do. His family
background is good, too; I am told that his father is a  important
gunbearer in his native African village.
 
I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to
know :  There was NO dormitory fire, I did NOT have a concussion or skull
fracture, I was NOT in the hospital, I am NOT pregnant, I am NOT engaged,
I do NOT have syphilis, and there is NO man of another race in my life.
However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted
you to see these marks in their proper perspective.
 
Your loving daughter,
 Chelsea