Church Funnies

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking
at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of
the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old
leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Momma,
look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's
suit!!"
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached,
he moved briskly about the platform,  jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly
tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a
little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If
he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
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Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his
big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men
standing by the door? They're hushers."
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  My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
how you and God are alike?"  I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.
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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming
quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her
grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin
Mary or the King James Virgin?"
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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready
to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what
it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not
take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
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  I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the
lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with
pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the
prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed," but deliver us some
E-mail. Amen."
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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While
facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it
went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As
you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the
time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more
and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by
the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child
sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
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One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the
morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense
of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked
the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way
out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called
loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
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And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."